her birthday is always a little emotional for me. of course it makes me think “boy do i need to color my hair again”. and as my mother pointed out to me this morning…” you know she will be driving next summer”….thanks mom. i so needed that.
her birthday brings so many emotions to the raw service. it peels back the layers of protection that i have placed around myself like a blanket of disbelief.
fourteen years ago anyone that knew me never would have imagined my life now. as my days played out with me multiple times a day sticking my finger down my throat to get a sense of control over what my life was. i was unmarried, alone and just wanted to be loved. for who i was and who i thought i needed to be. i can only imagine what those around me felt. the anguish at knowing that not only was i beyond self-destructive but now pregnant and unable to finish college. as a mother now my heart aches for what i put those i love through.
her birthday also is a testament to who God is. to what redemption truly is. to have been taken literally from a pit of self-loathing and addiction to a forgiven daughter of the King. to look back and see that God has His hand on my heart the entire journey. He not only carried me He kept the child that i carried safe and unharmed. even though i did not know Him personally then, He in His great mercy had me choose life.
when i see her now. 14 years later. i am brought back to that moment when i said yes. yes to her. yes to life. yes to recovery. and years later yes to Him.
she has brought so much joy and growth in all of our lives. she has a heart that wants to change the world. a spirit that aches to know what the Savior more. and a love that is raw and real.
so when her birthday comes. i know this. i know love. i know grace. i know mercy. and i know redemption.
happy birthday sweet one…i love you to the moon and back. you changed who i was and who i needed to be.