Thursday, March 22, 2012


if you are not fighting it you are doing it.-beth moore. this past week i have been wrestling with God. wrestling with myself. wrestling with the world outside my backyard. and wrestling with what is within my four walls. needless to say i have been one hot mess.

last weekend i had the privilege and honor working beside bold college students and full immersion ministries within chicago. i went into the weekend ready for my world to be rocked. apparently God thought my heart needed to be tossed around a bit. first and foremost i was inspired and encouraged by young men and women around me who want to desperately  spread the word of God. watching them stumble and seek their way through the process was humbling. at one point i sat back and thought “at 19 i never would have imagined wanting to evangelize who our King is”. these beautiful creatures have pushed me to do better. to be better.

the weekend started by working with a ministry that truly works with the least of these. those that run this program literally give every part of themselves to be the church. they enter into the suffering of those around them and painfully draw them closer to redemption. we continued throughout the weekend serving the homeless, drug addicted, lonely, hungry, and seeking. the last evening we were there we went on a “prayer drive”. driving around different areas of chicago land hearing statistics and seeing with our own eyes what a fallen world we live in. as we were in one of the neighborhoods i was familiar with i began to sob. years before the teacher and i had taken care of young men who were from this neighborhood. i patted  my self righteous self on the back at the time thinking that i was actually making a difference in their world. who was i kidding? i was not aware in my white safe self what they were going back to each weekend. as we sat in the neighborhood at 10pm on a saturday i just kept saying to myself “ i am so sorry. i am so sorry that i didn’t know. i didn’t know what i was sending you back to….”

here i thought i knew. i had been to third world countries. i live in downtown aurora. i thought i knew. i had no idea. i quickly became angry at myself for my ignorance.i became angry at the chicago housing system. i became angry at the school system. i became angry at the indignation of those that feel that they need to stay safe in their safe worlds and safe churchs and safe schools with safe grocery stores and safe jobs and safe safe safe…( and then i looked in the mirror)

how much difference is my suburban middle class self really making? i have become a mercy seeker but feel paralyzed at times to be a mercy doer. i find myself becoming stunted into thinking that i cant bear another story of suffering, injustice, and pain.

then in the quiet He whispers….”you can’t …..but I have. I do and I will.”

the God that spoke the earth into being still holds it in His hands. He sees the injustice. He sees the hungry. He sees the homeless. He sees the family on the streets begging. He sees the 12 year old prostitute. He sees the lonely. He sees the angry. He sees the abuse. He sees the drug addicted. He sees it.

and we wrestle with it. but He . He holds it. He will heal it.

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