love is not 21.

Love at 37. I never imagined that I would actually be in love with my husband. How many of us out there actually have the courage to say that? That when we walked down the aisle inside I was screaming that I didn’t think it was right. Or that I didn’t want to be a new mom and move away from my parents and start a new life with someone I barely knew. I wanted to slow down. I wanted to start over and take off that dress that had 100 buttons up my back. I wanted answers for why things had to turn out this way.

Who knew that at 37 it would all be explained to me. The past 15 years have been hard to say the least. More like sitting in a dentist chair having your teeth scraped simultaneously having your legs waxed. Just let that image sit with you for a while. Then imagine what it is like to enter into a marriage knowing that this was not your choice. But at 37 I am gratefully out of the dentist char. I am not even near the dentist. Or any waxing for that matter. I am humbled to begin to understand why God had me marry the man I did.

First he was a believer. As little as he knew about the bible at the time he knew enough that what God said he meant. That divorce was never an option. That if we were going to fight we would fight hard but God was always fighting harder. As time went on he has become the spiritual leader in our home. I have had the privilege of seeing him lead our children to Jesus more and more. His children adore him and want to be more like him.

Secondly he was calm. He doesn’t fight like I do. He is so much more passive than I am. Which let me tell you can drive this Irish girl right up the wall and back down again. Little did I know that later in life the calm was all I desired. I beg for it. I want nothing more than for him to hold me and tell me the calm is coming. That the anxiety that can paralyze me only makes him hold me tighter.

Thirdly we had a child together. When we first brought her home from the hospital he wasn’t sure what to do with her. He had never held a baby much less loved one. That child has grown to be an amazing “God speaking truth into her life” young lady and has her daddy’s heart on his fingertips. She would not be who she was without such a wonderful spontaneous fun example of a dad.

At 37 love is not Valentine’s day. Love is not the perfect gift on my birthday. Love is not remembering our anniversary. Love is not buying me flowers. Love is not the perfect neighborhood. Love is not the biggest diamond. Love is not what it was at 21.

Love is being there. Love is redemption. Love is showing up. Love is catching my glance across the room. Love is laughing at the kids dancing in the living room. Love is telling me you will hold me till it stops hurting. Love is praying for me. Love is standing up for me. Love is praying me home. Love is being my defender. Love is being my leader. Love is loving me right where I am.