ok it hasn’t even been a full week of my “things I am not going to do this year” and i already have been having panic attacks. ugh. big ugh. i thought for sure i could get through a month without having to face down one of these issues. who was i kidding? within the first 24 hours i had to “not say yes” to multiple things and people. and i am realizing that in my extrovert self that it isn’t the things i cant say yes to that bother me it’s the people. i know big surprise.
this past weekend i thought i needed some help with this. so i asked my i will tell you like it is friend whom i adore to hold me accountable. she and i came up with numerous things i can tell people. we walked through hard conversations together. even this morning she texted me to turn on midday connection at lunchtime. lets just say they could have titled the segment “sheli massie are you listening to this?”. it spoke volumes to me on my habitual need to say yes. my fear of saying no. my desire to always please. to never let anyone down. to always. and i mean always put others(outside of my home) before those in my home. this radio program along with a little book a friend of mine handed me yesterday at church is beginning to shift something inside of my soul. slowly. i mean like turtle has arthritis slow that i don’t need to say yes. i need to stop saying yes. it is harmful to my soul . to my blessings. to my teacher. to my friends. to my church. to God.
i am not leaving room for what God needs to say. what He needs to teach me. what He needs me to do . what He needs me to hear.
last evening i sent a text to a group of girls i usually talk to everyday if not every other day. its become habit. we call each other throughout the day. funny stories. checking in. but i know that this year God has called me to slow down and homeschool our blessings. and with that comes saying no. ugh. so yesterday i sent a text that said this…” hey girls, i am saying no and saying yes to my kids. i will be turning off my phone from 9 to 3 each day.” i think i should have included this disclaimer though (unless i get a call from a certain social worker with a certain name of a certain east african child –then all deals are off!!!!). okay for some of you this may not seem like a huge deal. but for this mama it is. to say no to some of my favorite people on the planet so i could say yes fully to my blessings is a very heart retching thing for me. like i said i don’t like to disappoint.
it’s the end of the school day. it has been one of the best days we have had. they were present because i was present. they were attentive because i was attentive. they were patient because i tried to be patient. and at the end of the day the middle blessing came up to me and said “thanks mom….thanks for being with us today.”
totally worth saying no.