the middle

this morning i sat with a friend at breakfast. bananas. eggs. coffee. raisin toast...oh and emme's m&m pancakes. i sat with her an heard stories of redemption. a marriage reborn. a life renewed. i sat and listened seeing Jesus rejoicing.

i sat though and cried. i cried as she asked me about my middle one. my middle one who has always been my feisty fighter. she came out fighting with her little bald head. my middle one who ate more mash potatoes than i thought was ever possible. my middle one who can make you laugh so hard with her jokes, pranks, and voices that bring life to our home. my middle one who brings tears to my eyes.

for a while now we have been struggling with what to do. for a while now i begin every morning in tears as i drive away from the school. for a while now as i drop her off and the kids are all gathered in the school yard. laughing. talking. teasing. giggling.

for a long while now. my middle one. my middle one stands alone.

my middle one stands alone and watches . watches the laughter. watches the giggling. watches the talking.

and i watch. i watch my middle one alone. and i cry. it tears every fiber of my heart apart. because i know my middle. i know her heart. i know how she loves. i know how she giggles. i know how she laughs. i know how she hurts. i know how lonely she is.

so this morning i was reminded. reminded that as much as it hurts me to watch. it hurts Him even more. He will heal. He will take away her pain. He will take away her loneliness. He will redeem her.

so instead of me trying to be god and fix it for her. i need to stand away and watch. watch Him be God.

watch Him heal.