north carolina

i am not good with goodbyes. i cry. i sob. i mourn. i have abandonment issues. ok. i have issues. any case, when a friend moves away i don't handle well. not even moderately. like i may or may not be seen chasing down the car leaving me. i told you. i have issues. when we leave michigan after visiting for a while it takes me days to recover. and apparently i have passed it on to my children. my son will not look others in the eyes when saying goodbye. he won't acknowledge when we are leaving anywhere or when someone leaves him. that's me. passing on great qualities to my children, ( the mom of the year award should be coming in the mail soon...).

so today i met a friend and her gorgeous children for lunch ( gorgeous, like gap models) . she is an amazing person. first of all she looks like a rock star. the coolest hair you have ever seen. she has tattoos that rock. and a personality that is contagious. i sat there watching her eat her brunch. cutting her potatoes, cutting her sons pancakes, pouring syrup over waffles all the while smiling and carrying on a great conversation. she is by far one of the most respected moms i have ever known. in fact when i grow up i want to be her.she is laid back. easy going. creative. beautiful. and beams Jesus. she loves people where they are at and she gets me. she seriously is so present in her friends lives that you walk away feeling heard. i love that about her.

so as i sat there today the panic started to rise in my chest. what was i going to do? who was going to hear me? who was going to rock my hair? who was going to make me laugh so hard? who was going to support me in homeschooling? whose babies would i hold? what about me?

and then after a tearful goodbye hours later. well maybe only an hour later. i sat in my car an sobbed. ugly cry in a public place is always great. and here i was. ugly. ugly cry.
i called a friend to share in my self pity. to wallow in my sadness. to be drawn into my issues. yet she didn't let me. it was my party and she asked me to leave it. to walk away from my abandonment issues and think about the friend. oh. right. her.

but i needed to . i need to let her know this.

* i love you.

* i am so proud of you

* you are an amazing mom

* you are an outstanding wife

* you are beautiful

*you are following Jesus. and that is RADICAL

* you are stronger than you think you are

* you are and will be prayed for

* north carolina is so lucky.

i will miss you hannah.